Journal Entry Time!

It's been a while since I've reached deep down inside of myself and looked at what I had. I'm not talking about hot, oozy, entrails, I'm not THAT type of Freak Show , but...I mean, deep down within me.

Sometimes...it feels like maybe there isn't anything deep down within me, just like a door, when left open can cause the evacuation and the ultimate desolation-inducing feeling of a forever lost pet dog or pet kitten or pet cat...pet anything, really...well, I wonder, I've left my garden untended for so long, sometimes I wonder if it isn't permanently going to be over run and ruined by all these weeds. That it isn't already dried beyond repair.

One thing that really irks me to near-vomiting out my soul...is the constant, inevitable state of great dislike, discomfort, self reproach, frozen stagnancy...numbness.

Another thing, is the monkey see monkey do complex. The people I currently live around suffer their inner selves daily, hourly, depriving and starving their innermost being with these false senses of living: computers, televisions, video games, whatever.

Monkey SEE...Monkey DO. I've done it a lot my life, I do have to admit though, I've been growing so much. Where once I spent even 10+ hours a day on some monotonous zombifying game, I do that no more. But, when it isn't video games and computers and televisions (OH MY!) it's food, body image, "exercise", "Weight loss, weight gain," it's sexual interest, it's...emptiness.

I can see why fleshly things can be looked down upon as it says in the bible. Because they make the ones who pursuit flesh based desires and wants feel empty and constantly unhappy and always striving, reaching, wanting more, more more. Never being content, happy, or appreciative of what they have, never being appreciative, in the truest sense, with what *I* have.

I'm sick of being without initiative! Without a will of my own. Might as well be without a life if I consistently spend the rest of my days like a zombie, might as well be a computer, plugged into a outer source for energy, instead of cultivating, redeeming energy deep within my very own self, within ME.

It is a painful thing, to feel motionless. To feel when I am, as if I am without a purpose in life...without any purposes...life becoming meaningless.

So, I wonder to myself from time to needlessly suffering time ,but usually WITHOUT will or initiative this: How can I change? How can I make a difference in my life?

And then, sometimes, for a moment I have a period of goodness, of ecstatic bliss in my life, but it isn't based on anything founded within me, you see? That's what makes it genuine. It's all whimsy. I want to be able to have things well from inside me, a well inside me of good water, drinkable, shareable for others too who need some water, good water to drink. My well is dry a lot of times, is crumbly and weak and near breaking, is poisoned black, green and putrid with nasty stuff.

Well, I feel I've spilt out a lot, I know it sounds really depressing, really sad, really hope free, but trust me, I write this with hope.

I'm leaving soon anyways, and I know it's a major NO NO to say where I go, "I can start new" that is completely untrue. I must transform, change within, for I take that person that is me, that is inside of my center, immovable, wherever I go. From here or in timbuktoo.

There is hope. For me. For her. For him. For you.

I think I might continue later...